Which is more important: loyalty or honesty?

Many of us have experienced this kind of ethical dilemma in our relationships with other people, whether in our personal or professional lives.

Certain situations happen where we get caught between these two choices: to tell the truth that will probably hurt or to hide it because of our sense of loyalty. It's especially difficult with friendships which are founded on the acceptance of what we really are -- strengths, secrets, imperfections, and all. Friends expect us to stand by each other come hail or storm, and to defend one another's dignity when necessary.

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But aren't friends supposed to be bringing out the best in each other, as well? Giving advice or sharing truths that may help each one to further improve in order to attain their aspirations?

This is an ethical dilemma that this Original Poster under the username u/California098 shared on Reddit's popular r/AmItheA--hole forum. It's about her best friend who has refused to talk to her ever since she decided to be totally honest with him.

OP began her post with the following details: "My (24f) best friend (26m) of 12 years is a great person with many desirable traits. He is educated and has a good career, and I’m really proud of him for his accomplishments. Since we were kids, I’ve always noticed he had really bad hygiene habits but chalked it up to him being a teenage boy. Now that we’re older, I’ve seen that his hygiene has not improved with age. He goes to the gym at least 3 times per week but never showers more than once per week, never brushes his teeth, and only does laundry when the clothes are completely stiff. I’ve dropped little hints, like if we stay the night somewhere together, I’ll ask if he packed shower supplies, and in the mornings I’ll offer to leave my toothpaste out if he wants to use it."

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Horrible, you may be already thinking. How could anyone live like that? Hence, you'd probably understand why OP was forced by the situation to stop inviting her best friend to places where she knew he would turn up "greasy, smelly, and with an inch thick of plaque on his teeth."

But the situation took a turn for the worse when her best friend told her that he has a crush on one of her new friends. When he asked her if the girl was single, she answered yes but she wasn't looking for any guy at the moment after a recent breakup.

But her best friend was as stubborn as his plaque, and he asked the girl out on his own. But she turned him down and lied that she was already seeing another guy. In anger, her best friend confronted OP, because he could feel that one of the girls was lying to him. And so, OP was compelled to tell him the truth, that no one wanted to be near him, much less date him, because of his bad hygiene habits.

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What was her best friend's reaction? "He denied having bad hygiene and said he does shower and brush his teeth," wrote OP. "He left and hasn’t talked to me in over a month, insisting I need to apologize and set the record straight to everyone we know."

However, OP feels that she was actually doing him a favor by being honest with him when he confronted her. It was a chance for her best friend to improve and fulfill his romantic dream. The truth hurts, but she didn't intend to cause him unnecessary heartache. It's either her best friend strive to benefit from her honest words or lose OP's friendship as well.

Would you consider this kind of honesty an act of disloyalty?

Well, AITA commenters agreed that OP did the right thing. In this case, correcting his personal hygiene habits will not only improve her best friend's relationship with other people but benefit his health too.

Photo: Pexels/Oleksandr Pidvalnyi

Comment from dereksalem: "I think nearly every guy has at least one male friend that doesn't shower or take care of themselves as well as they should. It might not be this bad, but I have at least a few friends that I feel like just rinse themselves off every day...I know they shower often, but they still don't come out smelling like I feel they should. If people can smell you from 5ft away, you're not doing it right, or you have a medical issue."

FeistyIrishWench wrote, "My neighbor just spent three weeks in the hospital because of some dental bacteria that traveled to his chest and became septic. He has a couple of bad teeth he has been putting off getting removed, and it nearly suffocated him from the infection filling his chest cavity and impeding his lungs from inflating enough to get sufficient oxygen. Now he has daily physical therapy to rebuild atrophied muscle and function."

Radgrad2001 likewise shared, "This is the absolute truth! I will add I have really good dental hygiene, but because of my genetics, my mouth does not fight bacteria. I go to a periodontist to get regular cleanings and still had to have Lasik gum surgery. Doctor told me if I didn’t have it done, I could have a heart attack or stroke. I eat healthy and exercise. This guy is slowly killing himself by not visiting the dentist. His friend was giving him love and kindness by being honest."